Do you have a quote that you feel just represents you in some way? Like, maybe the moment you read it, you just thought "this is the theme of my life!" For me, unbeknownst at the time, it was written by Walt Whitman, many moons ago - "If we are lost, no victor else has destroy'd us, it is by ourselves we go down to eternal night." Maybe it seems too dark or deep, but for me, it embodies how we can be our own worst enemies, blaming only ourselves if we fail to rise from our circumstances.
This is my redemption story.
My childhood was amazing. All of my needs were met, but as I grew, trauma trickled its way in. At an early age, I found out (in a less than ideal way) that I had been adopted. Despite the confusion, I continued to have a strong relationship with my parents who raised me. When I was about nine years old, the only mother I had ever known suffered from two near fatal strokes in her sleep. I was the one who tried to wake her. After an intensive stay in the ICU and countless doctors doubting a recovery at all, my mom finally came back home. Life changed drastically for my family and my mom had to relearn basic functions like walking, writing, eating, and word recall (due to aphasia). Despite the setbacks and confusion at the time, I am grateful my mom found the strength to fight for her life. True to her nature, she selflessly prioritized taking care of her family despite battling through her own recovery.
As I grew, I struggled academically and socially. I struggled to fit in and make friends, but did make one close relationship with a Christian family from my church. I had a mountaintop feeling of being close with God, but the feeling faded. Although I cannot pinpoint a turning point, I soon became angry with God as I grappled to make sense of why my mom was sick.
As I settled into my freedom as a college student and lived life on my own terms, I made many mistakes. I battled anxiety and self esteem issues, and my life choices seemed to go from bad to worse. I self medicated with alcohol and clubbing to deal with my problems. As I struggled to find myself, I sank further into a pit of despair and disregarded my own self worth. I had a slew of not-so-great relationships that nearly broke me. While I have always been a kind and gentle soul, I allowed others to take advantage of my vulnerabilities. I allowed the opinions of others to weaken my character. As Whitman wrote, I was taking myself down into eternal night, trying to fill a void within myself with distractions other than my own love.
After that slew of not-so-great relationships (and a few broken friendships), I met my husband. During our first date he invited me to church, but I declined. After all, I was a strong, independent woman. Deep inside, I was screaming for an end to the pain, begging for something to change in my life. I called my friend and as fate would have it, I ended up at the church where my friend (and future husband) attended. During the service, the preacher spoke about Jonah and the whale, running away from God. Two weeks later, I was baptized in the ocean, and although the water was freezing cold, I felt refreshed, knowing that internal peace was on the horizon. I was able to stop drinking and really become who God had intended me to be. I repaired the fractured relationships with my brother and sister, and began working on restoring my relationship with my parents. A few months into our relationship, my knight in shining armor took me to look at engagement rings, and bought one on the spot. He proposed a couple of months later. My husband has shown me the love of Jesus and has truly taught me what unconditional love is. Because of this, I have a glimpse of the love that Christ has for me.
For a short time before my wedding, I moved back in with my parents, and became close with my mom. I began working on my career - starting with working with those with mental and physical disabilities and then with those in the prison system. I found a niche in HR and worked my way up from an HR Generalist into the role of Risk Management Specialist. About two and a half years into my career, we discovered that my dad had dementia and needed assistance. I began working closer to home at a local brewery, helping gang members through a program that focused on workforce development. As I worked through my probationary period, my mothers health began to further deteriorate and she required full time oxygen and multiple breathing treatments a day. I was blessed to be able to quit work and care for them both, while embracing my fairly new title of mom.
I remember struggling with the thought of being a stay at home mom; Never had I ever thought I would be a stay at home mom, as the world is so quick to tell us that our worth is based off of our worldly accomplishments and career. As I navigated through these feelings and allowed these thoughts to pass, I was able to pause and enjoy my time with my parents (I am forever grateful that I was able to do that).
We always hear, time is short, don't take it for granted, but society says this while pushing a different agenda. My mom unexpectedly passed away while I was eight months pregnant with my daughter. The air was knocked out of my lungs. Through grief and trauma that measured to a level I had never experienced before, I was able to push myself and learn more about what it meant to focus and trust in God’s word and His promises for us.
Shortly after my mother’s death, I was faced with a family emergency. It was through this crisis that the vision of SavedOne Outreach came to me and I began my ministry. Looking back, I marvel at how God does things - how He uses everyday situations to make us into better people - how He gives us the tools and words to do grand things, if we only take a moment to trust and listen.
With the image of a phoenix in my head, I confidently read the excerpt from Walt's poem "if we are lost, no victor else destroy'd us, it is by ourselves we go down to eternal night." I was born into, and faced many circumstances that would make most people crumble. I chose to rise above - even through the eternal darkness of my own choices - by choosing Jesus as my savior. Looking back, although there was plenty of pain, there couldn't be a better writing of my story. I am blessed beyond measure to be married to the love of my life, have two beautiful and smart children. I have a close knit family, and I honestly couldn't ask for more. From ashes to grace, the love of Jesus redeemed me, and He can redeem you too.
BLK
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