“I’m proud of you,” he said, a giant hand gripping my shoulder tightly, as explosions rocked the world around us. It was at that moment I knew, life as I knew it was over, something, everything had to change.
Months Earlier
“Don’t stop, believing, hold on to that feeling…” I sang into the microphone.
The room danced with flashing lights, loud music and drunken revelry. Everyone in the room sang along as loudly as they could, drink in hand, as my friend and I battled it out to American Idol on his Xbox.
Moments later the song ended with a loud yell, “You. SUCK!”
Dropping the microphone, my over-competitive buddy chugged the last of his beer in defeat. Stumbling to the trash can across the room, he dropped the empty bottle into the rapidly growing pile with a loud crash.
Seemingly satisfied, he stumbled on like a wounded soldier, determined to carry out his mission and reach his final objective, the fridge.
Upon opening the door, he let out an angry groan and muttered under his breath. The case of beer I had shown up with, a mere two hours earlier, had already been demolished.
“Beer run!” everyone yelled and that’s the last thing I remember before blacking out.
The Present
The world seemed to light up like a Christmas tree, as the brilliant balls of light exploded into mesmerizing colors across the night sky.
The shock waves hit my body with dull force, as the resounding booms echoed on for miles around; but, I couldn’t focus on the beautiful display of fireworks taking place before me.
Nothing was registering, as though time itself had come to a standstill. Those words rippled through my mind, over and over again. “I’m proud of you, I’m proud of you, I’m proud of you…”
My brain was shutting down and those four words were all I could think about, something was extremely wrong.
That Night Months Earlier
“You were dancing like a basic white boy, doing the whole grind move,” he said, laughing the whole time.
We had been back at the house for over an hour now and I couldn’t remember a thing. Wishing I hadn’t asked for details, “I’ve never danced like that in my life!” I said defensively.
“Well, you did tonight and it was hilarious!” he chuckled. “What do you want to do now?” I asked, realizing pretty much everyone had left accept my wife and I.
“Well, I wanted to invite you guys on a New Year’s trip with us to Miami, Florida,” he said. “We’re driving down there for a few days with my family and we’d like you to come with us, hotel is already paid for. What do you think?”
“Sure, that sounds like fun,” I replied, thinking about how nice it would be to escape the cold weather for a bit.
We drank the rest of the night away, playing games into the early hours of the morning, while our wives took showers and went to bed.
The Present
“Did you hear me?” my friend yelled over the fireworks and music, when I hadn’t responded for what had to be 30 seconds.
“What are you proud of me for?” I asked, hesitantly, already knowing the answer in my heart.
“You know, coming over so much, bringing beer, getting drunk with me, partying, playing games, being fun. You’ve been a great friend lately,” he said with honest sincerity.
There it was, like a huge slap in the face. My friend was proud of me, for being a drunk party animal and I couldn’t have been more ashamed.
The Night Before Present Day
Wasted and tired, I crashed down onto the hotel bed, ready to go to sleep; but, I wasn’t able to drift off just yet.
Thinking I had already passed out, I heard my drunken friend say, “Let’s go out to a club and keep the party going, he’ll never even know we left.”
After arguing for a couple of minutes about clubbing or getting food, he, his wife and my (now ex) wife all left. I waited about 15 seconds, got up and followed them out of the hotel, sticking to the shadows.
Many blocks later, my friend finally noticed my presence. Turns out your not so sneaky when you’re wasted. He walked right up to me in the darkness, expecting a stranger and found me instead.
After a heated exchange I returned to the hotel alone, not caring what happened, hating him at that moment.
Morning Of The Present Day
I got up and left the hotel early that morning, hopped on the tram down the street and rode around the city for hours, stewing in my anger.
I ignored all the calls and texts I received, not caring if they were upset or concerned over where I was.
Eventually, I returned to the area of the hotel and sat down at an outdoor bar, to begin drinking for the day. My plan was to get wasted and drink my problems away.
An hour or so later, they found me there. The girls sat at a separate table, leaving us alone to discuss what had happened the night before in private.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “I shouldn’t have done what I did. I was drunk and just wanted to keep the party going. I know you don’t like clubs and have trust issues with your wife over past issues; but, I wasn’t thinking about that.”
After a few minutes, I calmed down and told him it was fine. I forgave him, the girls came over and everything pretty much went back to business as usual.
The Present
My buddy was proud of me for being a drunk, is this what I’ve become?!
This is not how I was raised, what I was taught, the values I have, who I want to be or what I want to do.
There has to be more than this, more meaning, more depth, greater value and purpose. What IS the purpose of my life?
That’s when I heard it, clear as day, a still small voice that broke through all the thoughts inside my mind.
“I AM the meaning of life. I AM the depth you need. I AM the value you want. I AM the purpose you seek. I AM.”
In that moment, I knew, God had spoken to and revealed Himself to me. God cared about me personally, as an individual. He took interest in me, in my life and He loved me.
On New Year’s Day 2012, standing under the light of the fireworks, on the beach of Miami, Florida, I dedicated my life to God.
From the second I invited Him into my life, He began His work in me. My mind raced with all the things I wanted and needed to change; and, not because I had to, but because I wanted to.
The 13 hour ride back home, packed into a box van like sardines, flew by. My thoughts consumed with what had been revealed to me and what that meant for my life.
I wish I could say my life became easy and perfect from there on; but, that would be a lie and is quite a huge misconception of Christianity.
The choices, actions and decisions I began to make, in pursuit of God, cost me my friendships and marriage. There are things I could have handled or done better, but I didn’t see that at the time; and, I’m not sure it would have changed anything.
I struggled with that for many years, not really blaming God for my problems, but also no longer seeking Him as I had initially.
It wasn’t until a few years later that I began to understand the lifelong sacrifice and devotion it takes to maintaining a personal relationship with God.
Since then, He has blessed me with a new wife who loves me and shares my faith. He has also given us two beautiful children, a home, a good career and He provides for all our needs.
These things are not guaranteed after placing our faith in God, through Christ; but, it does speak to the love, mercy and kindness He extends towards us.
You do not have to have your life together to have a relationship with God, I didn’t and most usually don’t. God will meet you where you are and accept you as you come.
The Bible tells us plainly that nobody is perfect, none are truly seeking God and all fall short of His holy standards. Yet, He revealed His mercy, by coming and dying for us, even when we were still His enemies.
We’re simply called to believe that God has already done everything necessary to restore our relationship with Him.
He did this by sacrificing His Son Jesus for us, allowing Him to die on a cross for our sins. Jesus took the punishment we all deserve upon Himself, willingly, so that we might be saved.
If you place your faith in Jesus having done this for you, the cost of your sins will be washed away. Grace, mercy and forgiveness will be extended to you and your salvation is assured.
I pray over everyone who reads this, my personal testimony, that God will reveal Himself to you in the same way He has to me.
I pray that this revelation would result in your faith being placed in Christ; and, you would receive the peace and comfort that can only be found in having a relationship with Him. God bless.
Cover Photo by Hector Falcon
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