When I was invited to share my testimony, the word testimony took on a new meaning for me. I immediately thought of who God is in my life today and who He has been all the way up to this point. The words faithfulness, grace, love, and mercy came to the front of my mind as I began to write this story. I know there is someone out there reading this who needs to hear that God is a faithful, kind, loving, and real person. He not only is the God who blessed obedience in my life, but He also revealed Himself through the Word, the Holy Spirit and through other people. I also have experienced the Lord through deliberate and intentional activities like prayer, journaling, and of course worship. Before I go any further, I would like to tell you of several events in my life that lead me to finding Jesus when all else failed.
I was born in New Orleans, Louisiana on May 30, 1972. I am the youngest of three children. My parents were born in Seoul, South Korea and moved here in 1968. My father practiced medicine for over forty years in Saginaw, Michigan where I grew up. My sister also decided to pursue medicine and is currently practicing medicine in Indiana. My brother serves as an officer in the United States military. Growing up I had everything I needed and wanted, for the most part. I grew up watching my brother being abused by someone who I later found out grew up without a father figure. It was during this time growing up that I learned how to be fake and phony around people in order to protect the family from anyone finding out the family secret. I would ask myself many questions while the abuse continued for years. I pretended to be happy on the outside making friends easily. On the inside, I was sad, angry and very confused. I did not report what I saw to anyone, besides, who would believe me anyway? I carried around this secret for a long time, only recently accepting what I saw as physical abuse and not discipline and actually naming my brother’s abuser, which intensified more emotions. I did not know how to deal with this wound. This was a wound that surfaced in every difficult relationship in my life. Eventually I discovered toxic ways to deal with the overwhelming emotions that would come up.
I became very unhealthy emotionally at an early age. My parents did the best they could to raise me right and ensure that I would pursue medicine at some point in my life. As long as I would do well in school, nothing else mattered or so it seemed. In dealing with everything going on at home, I began by rebelling against my parents. I started smoking cigarettes in high school and not studying at all for my classes. I did not do well at all, only to get back at my parents for what was happening to my brother. In college this wound that continued to fester was covered by binge drinking and eventually substance use. I didn’t graduate from college and eventually moved back home. Nothing was making sense at all. At one point, my parents began to become very concerned. My dad invited this couple to come talk to me. Bill and Sharon Swain were the very first people who presented the gospel message to me. I will never forget the response I had for them after they told me that I needed to invite Jesus into my heart to receive forgiveness for my sins. My response was “but I believe in evolution.” Eventually, I asked Jesus into my heart and forgive me for my sins, but only to get these people off my back.
Eventually, my substance use escalated into much harder drugs. I have lost a career and many relationships due to addiction. Not only was I devastated by choices, I failed to meet the expectations of my parents who loved me and tried to give me every opportunity to succeed. Many people have said that addiction is the surface issue. I now realize this as factual. After many relapses, I realized that my heart was sick and if I did not do something drastically different I would continue to hurt myself, others, and die an early death. In my relationships, I discovered a common theme. If anyone offended me or my security felt threatened, I would go back to the unhealthy behaviors to cope with the stress. No one understood me. It was not until I sought the Lord through prayer, accountability relationships, and honesty that I began my healing journey. The first step I took in the process was to reach out for help.
It was at place called Eagle’s Nest in Floyd, Virginia where I learned about God and myself. It was a year long intense faith based program treating the disease of addiction through teaching men about having an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. This approach was different than others I was familiar with. There was no medication and no psychiatrist at this place. It was there where I learned about God at very deep levels. I learned the importance of having a daily quiet time with the Lord, relational accountability, inner healing and discipleship. My daily quiet time with the Lord involved journaling and it was during these quiet times where I was able to get real about what was going on inside of me. The Holy Spirit would move my hand to write out exactly what God thought of me. I discovered that what God thought of me and how I looked at myself were two different stories. Eventually, I became stronger through these quiet time experiences. These quiet times lead to interactions with people with wounds just like me. My attitudes and my work ethic on the therapeutic jobsites revealed whether or not I actually believed what I heard from the Lord. I was held accountable for my behaviors and I learned that I had a very faulty belief system about myself and that if I did not deal with this belief system, my addiction would kill me. I soon discovered that alot of people are carrying around wounds and family secrets much more difficult than my own. I could no longer be the solution for my pain and relief. I needed God. I also learned the healing power of forgiveness and grace in this community. Finally, I experienced an inner sense of freedom and love like no other.
Today I can honestly say I have experienced healing and freedom from several wounds and faulty thinking in my life through my relationship with Christ. I have used a basic routine to keep my focus on God. First, a daily quiet time in the morning to start the day right. This involves reading a devotional and having a conversation with the Lord through a journal. I also attend Celebrate Recovery meetings and attend worship services at a local Bible believing church. When I am struggling I reach out and let people know that I need prayer. I recognize moments where God puts me in situations where I can let people know how faith and trust in God is a wonderful opportunity with unexpected outcomes. I cannot measure or define for you the goodness of God in my life. I invite you to put your trust in God today. Experience the healing power and supernatural grace of Jesus Christ through salvation. I did not figure all of this out on my own. I had to ask for help and someone had to share with me their testimony!
Cover Photo by Chuttersnap
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