As I sit sometimes and reflect on my life, I often wonder what if……. What if my mom had told someone sooner than she did that something wasn’t right with how she was feeling……. What if the cancer never had come or the surgery would have taken it all. I could mire down in the those what ifs, but I then I think about the if nots. If not for the cancer and her passing my uncle would never have gotten saved. If not for the cancer I would never have fully known the impact my mom’s walk as a Christian had affected so many people that I never met. I remember the day we found out she had colon cancer as if it were yesterday. At 12 years of age, I knew nothing about that and what that meant for her and our family. I remember one of my brothers who was always very matter of act didn’t know how to sugar coat things say it means she is going to die, and she did after only short 8 months of fighting all that came with cancer and the treatment. All I remember after hearing him was crying and hugging my mom like never before. She was such a rock and even when she was feeling her worst made sure we were in church, school, everything we needed to be connected to offer an outlet. It is funny how in grief you cry so much, like when I think about my children and grandchildren never getting to know her. On the other side of the grief, I also think back and laugh at times that even in her illness we would laugh at things connected with the illness. She had a complete colostomy so she would use the bathroom in a bag that was attached to the outside of her stomach. I remember all the times we would be at the dinner table and suddenly there she was just a pooting away and we would all burst out laughing, her chuckling “thank you lord that even in this we can find laughter and happiness.” That is just the type of strong woman she was and never ever did she show us when she was having a bad day.
My mom had strong faith in the Lord. I remember her doctor ordered her to drink a glass of wine every day before dinner because the chemotherapy and radiation had taken away her appetite. She refused but I remember her saying that God would fix it. Looking back, I can see how these moments of laughter and faith brought peace to my grieving heart. Even through helping her irrigate and clean her colostomy system became a gift, because it was time that her and I were able to bond. You may question why she would let me do this for her, but I think she knew that she was going to be leaving me and that I needed any memories I could have of her to hold onto.
A defining moment of faith in this particular journey of my life was when my mom finally passed away in the hospital. I remember the one prayer my Dad had throughout this process was if the Lord saw fit to carry her to her eternal home in heaven that He allowed her to do it free of cancer. Everything my mom had gone through had caused her to melt away to barely anything and she was completely black and blue. I remember my Dad telling of the day she passed that there was a sudden peace that fell over her room and he saw a shadowy figure pass him and lay a hand over my mom’s body and as the hand moved up her body all the bruising disappeared and she took her last breath.
With grief comes many emotions, and there were many hard times after her passing where I truly missed her because there are just some things a daughter needs to share with her mom. There was a time that I was angry at my mom for leaving me, especially when someone stood up in church and told of a night at her house my mom came to her, whether it was a dream or not, didn’t matter to me, but what she said did. She said she asked my mom didn’t she want to come back down here to be with her family and my mom told her Heaven was too beautiful and that she was watching over us and would see us again one day. I thought to myself “how could you not want to be with your children!?” As I grew older I knew that Heaven was just too beautiful and how her life and death had touched so many people bringing them to the Lord and that was worth more than anything.
Fast forward to me being sixteen and my Dad decided to remarry. I became so angry with him and God, not because he had found someone to love because he had a dated a couple of times and I knew those ladies and we got along and did a lot of things within the church together, but because the person he chose to marry I had only met once and as time went on with their relationship I didn’t understand how he could move on from the Christian that my mother was to the person this lady was. My dad never missed church the entire time my mom was sick, but my new stepmom could have a headache and he felt the need to stay at home and pamper her. She was so different from my mom I just never could understand nor could some of the members of our church. My grief had turned to anger until I turned 20 and I was going to a bible study for singles and one of the lessons was on the book of Job. I thought to myself if Job could withstand what he did and still trust in God I could too and so I stopped being so angry. I still questioned somethings, but eventually resolved there was nothing I could do but pray about it. Unfortunately my Dad and I never reconciled before he passed and so that grief looked a lot different than the grief of my mom’s passing, but I still grieved regardless of the relationship.
As, I looked back I realized that I grieved throughout the whole time my mom was sick and even before she passed. I will close with this, grieving is a part of life and no one person grieves the same as another, but I do know that if you can stay grounded in faith that even in the worst grieving period and period of questioning you will find peace and comfort.
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