Life, as we know it, and have all heard, is not fair. Some of us are born poor, some rich, some sick, some healthy. No matter what background , nationality, social status, you are born into/grow up in, YOU determine your life, and the outcome. Is addiction really hereditary? IS there really a rainbow after the storm? Is it true that what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger? Do you believe God is with us all the time? Do you really learn from your mistakes? This is my story, I believe, everything I have been through has made me a better person, and the person I am today. Make no mistake, I am, and will always be a sinner, I sin everyday and fall short of the glory of God, but if God wasn't with me my whole life, then who was? Who brought me through the depths of hell? Your hell may not be the same as my hell but it's all the same at the end of the day.
I was born December 6, 1982, in Wilmington NC, to TWP/KWP. In 1984, I had a brother. As most people, I don't remember too much till about 1988/1989. What I do remember, was not all peaches and cream. When you are a child you believe that life is gravy. For most children, it may be, then you have the children that aren't so lucky. I remember watching my mother doing her hair, and make-up, my father playing guitar in a band and lots of partying, drinking and arguing. Moving from pillar to post, blue lights outside the bedroom window at night. This was all normal to us. Memories of people coming and going in the wee hours of the night, sleeping on the couch, father going to jail off and on. I don't know what age but at some point my mother and one of her boyfriends kidnapped us and took us to Florida. A brick was thrown through the window of the car.
When I was around 7 or 8 years old, one of my parents' so called friends, snuck into my bedroom with them and my brother sleeping in the next room, and molesting me. I was scared, do I scream? Do I say anything? Is anyone going to believe me if I do say anything? I remember this clear as the sky is blue, a memory that would haunt me forever. This tormented me for years, I never spoke a word to anyone until 1993. When I had no choice, I did end up telling my grandparents. I had to save my brother and baby sister from the same type of sexual abuse. I refused to go stay with my mother because she was living with this man. As a little girl, I loved our parents, nothing was wrong that they did. I often wondered, is all this stuff normal? This was the only lifestyle we ever knew. The life of an addict's children, chaos all the time., No schedule, no sense of security. Not knowing if you were going to have a hot dinner, or dinner at all. There were times when we didn't even know if we were going to be picked up from daycare. I remember being picked up hours after other children left, only to have to walk home after my dad walked there from his job to get us, because our mother disappeared. My sister was born in 1990, there were now the 3 of us, I was around 8, I believe. My sister was about 6/8 months old. A young girl, maybe in high school came to babysit us for the night, a night that never ended. It lasted about a week and a half to 2 weeks. I believe my dad showed up 3 or four days later, he had no clue where my mother was, she took off on a binge while they were out. I guess he asked the girl to stay there and help with us, so she did but by this time my sister was out of diapers, formula, and we had no food at all. I guess at some point my dad did what he knew was best for us at the time, he called my moms parents. He asked them to come and get us because he couldn't take care of us, he had no drivers license, no car, no way to get us the necessities of life. Being the caring , loving people they were, they came and got us and our grocery bag of rags (clothes). Little did he know that his cry for help would cause them years of misery. A battle that only the strong willed would be able to win. This was of course a blessing for us children. For the first time in our lives, there was stability, nice clothes, a hot bath and warm nourishing meals, every night.
New Hanover County DSS got involved, so now we were technically foster children, luckily we had our grandparents that could physically, financially, emotionally take care of us. We were lucky, not all foster children have that opportunity. Even though we knew this was where we needed to be it caused so many feelings and emotions that no child should have to deal with at such a young age. Feelings of anger, sadness, worry, feeling unwanted, guilt, insecurity. These feelings would stay with us all for years only to manifest later in life, even though we went to counseling. The battle had only just begun for our parents. Dealing with DSS, court systems. They had to get clean and sober, and stay that way. Have a stable home, job, go to meetings, rehab classes, etc. This did not come easy to them. It takes years to undo the damage caused in addiction, as it doesnt fall apart overnight. Eventually my dad got his life back together somewhat, there were weekends that they would come and get us for our weekend visit. However, I don't ever remember my mother being there. She must have still been in active addiction. The weekends seemed to get further and further away, we would sit at the window for hours and wait for someone to come or call and they never did. I believe after failing so many times and being in hell for so long she gave up on everything. In 1994, she lost the battle, ultimately losing her life in a car wreck because of drugs. Once again, overwhelming feelings of loneliness, abandonment, anger, sadness. Feelings that are difficult for adults to process, let alone children. So many questions that a young child shouldn't have to deal with. Why aren't we good enough? Why can't you get it together to get us back? Do you love us?
Eventually our grandparents were awarded custody of us. We had a good life with them for years. We all process and deal with feelings/situations differently. We were about 11/12 by now, my brother began to rebel, he was very angry and bitter, all he wanted was to be with our dad. He eventually went to a group home and mental institution, then back with our dad. Again causing more abandonment issues, not being able to see my brother, when I was 15 I began to run away, sneak out the window to see boys and drink. I wanted to do what I wanted when I wanted. I went to live back in Leland with my aunt and dad. I pretty much did what I wanted, back with my brother, but now away from our baby sister. I never once stopped to think how all this would eventually affect her.
I graduated from North Brunswick High School in 2001. This was a promise that I made myself and my grandparents when I left because they said I wouldn't. In 1999, I was with a guy that was a year older, we were together 3.5 years. The whole time we were together, we did drugs. Ecstasy was my favorite, I did it 2 or 3 times a week. It was normal, all the partying, I fell right back into the lifestyle that I knew from a young child. It became a part of my life. But I always said I would never do hard drugs.This was the only kind. I wasn't addicted, or so I thought, I could stop, I didn't have to have it, I wanted to do it, I loved it. So the Cycle Began......Addiction.....
In December of 2002, I got pregnant with my twins, 2 beautiful baby girls, they were born in July . They were a blessing, I loved them so much before I even met them as most mothers do. I always knew if and when I had children that they would be my world and nothing would ever hurt them. I knew that I would be the mother to them that I didn't have. I always said I would never do them the way our parents did us. At this point in my life I hadn't even done any other type of drugs, actually I had stopped the ones I was doing with no problems. So again feelings of loneliness and anger came up. Questions, how could you let something take over your life and control you to the point that you lose your kids. It didn't make any sense to me. You know the saying "never say never"...... Well in 2002 I met someone. I thought this someone was the one for me. He was a couple years older and had a great job, always charming, and nice to me. Well when it was convenient for him. One night we went out with some of our friends, wanting his approval and someone to love me, I tried cocaine with them. That was all it took, that one time, I was hooked and then my addiction began. It went from doing cocaine to doing crack, once a week to every chance I got.. There was not a moment that went by that I didn't think about getting high. I went to work to make money to feed my addiction. I worked all week to spend my paycheck on Friday night. My dad and granny would keep the girls while we ran up and down the road chasing that high. When all the money was gone we thought about different ways to get money or crack/cocaine. We eventually got a place together. By September 2005, I had my 2nd baby girl, well 3rd really but 2nd pregnancy. It seemed that life may be normal, we might have a normal family. Not really, we continued to spiral further and further out of control. It got to the point that I would sell my food stamps, my WIC, whatever we could to get the drugs we wanted. Again both of us worked and made money, only to spend it on dope. We would call our family members and use the kids to get money. By this time the drugs had taken over my mind, body, and soul. I would sell my children's stuff, the washer and dryer, whatever I could to get my next fix. Eventually DSS got involved, I would clean myself up long enough to get them out of my life, or somehow alter the drug test, because I never really stopped. This drug addiction had full control over my mind, body, and soul. I would sit in my house high and stare at my babies and pictures of them and cry, I would pray that something would take over and help me put the drugs down. Then ten minutes later after the high was gone I would be chasing the drug dealers down, basically. Addiction will make you do things that you would never dream of doing in your right mind. Not long after my 3rd baby was born, I got pregnant again. In 2005, I tried to get clean, went to Walter B Jones, came out of there and went right back to the same old people, places, and things. In November 2006, My 4th baby girl was born, she was beautiful, a blessing. Not one time during that pregnancy did I go to a doctor, so really I didn't know what it was, when I was actually due or if anything was wrong with the baby or me. Addiction had me chained and shackled, I couldn't break away, no matter what. I hurt so many people that wanted to help me. I lost the trust of everyone around me. While in labor I tested positive for crack/cocaine, so I couldn't have any medicine at all to control the pain. After she was born, I almost died due to complications, Placenta Previa, which we would have known if I went to the doctor during pregnancy. The doctors pulled my whole uterus out and I almost bled to death. They had to rush me to surgery, give me 5 pints of blood. They said I would never have any more kids. Luckily, by the
grace of God my baby was fine. She had no symptoms or withdrawals from the drugs. I still, till this day, look at her and thank God for his protection over her. With all this going on, DSS got involved again, only this time they placed my kids with my aunt. I couldn't even leave the hospital with my baby. This was what I thought was going to scare me straight. Only it didn't. I only got worse thought that I could go and do what I wanted and then go see the kids whenever. A part of me was dying inside. I couldn't bear the thought of someone else taking care of the beautiful girls that God gave me. The children that I was supposed to be, nourishing, loving, teaching, taking care of. I decided to go into a year-long treatment program where they could go with me. The night before I was supposed to leave I was going to go get high one last time. I believe that night I put myself in more danger than I had ever tried to get high. I ended up in downtown Wilmington with no car, at a crack house, with strangers, people that could have and probably would have killed me or raped me if I didnt leave when I did. I walked down the streets in the middle of the night somewhere I had never been, I sobered up enough to go knock on someone's door, by this time it was maybe 230 am, I asked the lady to call the police, because I was scared and needed a ride home. When they arrived to get me I told them where I had been and that I was an addict and was leaving in the morning to go into treatment for a year. They eventually met a Brunswick County sheriff in Leland and I ended up getting home about 530 am. About 7 am the lady from DSS was at the house to take me and the girls to the rehab place. This was in Durham, far away from anyone I knew. I was so scared. How did I get this far into addiction? Why did I do my children the way I was done as a child? I drowned myself in anger, fear, disappointment, shame. What was wrong with me? How could I let something be so powerful, to take over me, where I had no control? I was there for about 5 or 6 months until I ended up breaking the rules, got kicked out and I came back home to the place that I used, with no plan. Back to the old habits, to the person that introduced me to the drugs, the person that I thought loved me, that I thought I loved. I was doing it for all the wrong reasons, not for me but for everyone else, so I wouldn't lose my kids. I thought, I got this, I am better. I won't do drugs anymore. I eventually went into another program in Wilmington for women with children. Again, another failed attempt to keep DSS off of my back, in there long enough for me to believe I had it and that everyone else was fooled. Again I was kicked out of there for having a man in my apartment. To addicts, rules are made to be broken. Since middle school I thought that I needed to be with someone to be whole, I had to feel wanted, I think a lot of those feelings/thoughts derived from my childhood and the loss of my mother and father. This is another battle that I had to fight, the longing to belong, the need to be wanted. After years of the struggles my ex went to jail, the only way he could get out was to go into drug court. Once he did I told my probation officer that I had a problem and needed help so then he got me into drug court.
By this time all the girls were living with us, we had a nice place, we both worked and for the first time in our lives there was a sense of normalcy. A normal life. We stayed in drug court for about 1.5 years, after a while I began to wonder what it was I was doing with this man? The man that I was with for almost 12 years was not what made me happy, I never had a chance to realize that through the use of drugs, as it had me trapped in a lie all the way around.
Eventually I met someone else that I thought would make me happy, someone that gave me all the attention in the world, he was an addict as well in recovery. Big Mistake. I left the only life that I had known, I was around 27 years old by this time. Got my own place, went back to college, things seemed to still be going well. The only thing that was messed up is when I left, I had no choice but to leave the 2 youngest with their dad as I left him with the house and everything in it, besides mine and the twins clothes and the vehicle that I had. It seemed at the time that a million pounds had been lifted off of my shoulders. I still got the youngest girls every afternoon and on the weekend. At the time that is what was best for them. Many nights I wondered how they felt and what I was doing to them and their little hearts, was I gonna cause them to have abandonment issues, were they gonna wonder why I left them and took the other 2 girls? I was still in drug court. The guy that I was seeing ended up overdosing at my house on night while I was at tball practice with the girls, I had never been around anyone with a heroin addiction, when we walked in the door and saw him slumped over the girls were so scared, again because of my own selfishness, and the need to be wanted I had put my kids in a situation that no child needs to be in. When I went in front of Ola Lewis (Drug Court Judge) after that she activated my sentence. When the twins' daddy found out he pounced like a lion after a meal. Not sure why this was because he never wanted anything to do with them. Ola let me out of jail so that he couldn't get them. When she let me out I had lost my job and my house, I had to go back to my ex husband's house, I figured since the grass isn't greener on the other side I might as well try to make my family work, only to find out that while I was locked up my cousin that was living there, to help with the kids, ended up sleeping with my husband and had feelings for him. This brought up so many feelings and questions, from hatred to hurt to how could you? This was really a blessing in disguise.
We decided that it would be best for him to leave, he did, that was the end of that marriage. When he left he wanted to have the 2 youngest with him, which was fine, I never wanted to be the mom who kept them from their dad, because at the time he was a great dad.
In 2009 I fell back into the drug world, and partying every weekend, it started to get out of control again as I went downhill fast. Some of my family members called and reported me to DSS. I failed several drug tests, DSS showed up and took the twins from me. They were placed with their dad, he ended up getting an attorney, and getting custody of them. I still could see the other 2 because they were with my ex. I couldn't see the children that I had taken care of since birth, without supervision. This rocked my world, and theirs. It hurt them so much and me because the only person their mother that brought them into this world had let them down. Put drugs in front of them and their wants and needs. The person I always said I would never be , I had become. This was my bottom. The time when I decided that I was gonna get my life together for all 4 of my children or I was gonna die trying. I got down on my knees and begged God for another chance to prove to everyone that I was stronger than any addiction, stronger than the drug that tore my world apart. My children were my world, my reason for living, the reason I never gave up. I didn't want to end up another statistic, dead like my parents from a disease that I knew I could beat. I was put back into Drug Court, where I actually gave it my all. I had no more chances, it was do or die. It was the last chance I had to prove that I was a strong woman and mother that would do whatever she had to do, to prove to everyone it could be done. . This was 2011, yet again, I met another man, this time it was different. I was going to church, attending drug classes, working, had a place and life seemed to be coming together. We decided to move in together in 2012. Between the both of us we had 8 children. Every other weekend we went 2 hours to visit the twins, I got to see the other 2 kids all the time. I eventually ended up getting the 2 younger girls back because their dad was back in active addiction, not taking care of them the way they deserved to be taken care of. I became pregnant with another baby. I had the chance to start my life over and make it what I always wanted and dreamed of as a little girl. But, once again I felt so much shame and guilt, for losing my girls, not only were they taken from me, now I had the younger two girls and was pregnant with another baby. I was really happy for this new life I had begun to build but didnt want my two eldest children to feel as if I didn't want them, or that I had given up on them. In 2014 I had my 5th baby girl, a blessing of course. I began to fight harder than ever to get my life together and finally got back to court and got them back. We were all together, CG and I had started our own landscaping business and we were doing the damn thing, seemed to have it all. Until one day our perfect world was ripped apart, Someone we thought was a friend, had set him up and the detectives pressed charges. He ended up leaving in 2015 to pull his time, 2.5 years. This of course scared me to death. I didn't know how I was going to take care of 5 girls and myself. I had always felt like I needed someone to be with me, We of course stayed together but he was absent from the home. In this time, I began to go to church, had the girls in sports, worked, started a cleaning company, went to church on Sundays, held him down, paid off our property, and the list could go on and on. Most of all I, for the first time in my life, had let go and let God. I let His will be done, and my relationship with Him grew everyday. There were some days that were so much harder than others, days that I just wanted to lay in the bed and give up, days I didn't know if I would make it, but I would pray for God to take my hand and just help me through it. Well you know that saying fake it till you make it, there were lots of those days. Right before CG went to prison, we had slipped back into the drugs. I guess that we got comfortable with the life we had and thought we could handle it, but we slowly lost control. I believe him going to prison was a blessing in disguise to us both. I prayed the day that he left for God to please take the want/desire to get high away and until this day I haven't done drugs. We both worked on ourselves as much as possible while he was gone. I finally figured out that I didn't need a man to take care of myself and my children, I wanted this man to be my husband and spend the rest of our lives together. Of course he was saying that he was done with him , that he was going to be a different man when he came home, he was gonna go to church, and try to start his own business. This was hard for me to believe well because everyone in prison says that.. I got both of our divorces taken care of and I told him I was going to live right so that either we could get married and live like Christians or go our separate ways. When he came home on 12-4-2017, he said we are getting married and he began to prove that he wanted a real life with us. Our son passed away on Christmas day 2017, which devastated us all. He was taken from us at 19 years old because of drugs. I was so scared this was going to send CG on a downward spiral, make him question God and their relationship, but he didnt let it. On February, 17 2018, we got married and had a beautiful wedding at our church. Since we have a successful shop, more than we could ever ask for as far as material things. A beautiful family where our kids have thrived and done very well
in school. My 2 older girls have graduated and one of them blessed us with our first grandson. We still go to church and are a part of a motorcycle ministry. WE are far from perfect and not where we want to be but far from where we were. We know that with God all things are possible and if we don't give up even when times are hard anything can be done. We lean on each other and God for support, and to keep us going when the going gets tough. We have met some amazing people on our journey, God fearing people, people we are very blessed to call friends, well really family. I have been clean for 9/10 years. I have no desire to do drugs or be around people that chose to do them. I now know that my whole life God was walking with me every step of the way, picking me up when I fell, protecting me from the harm I was causing myself and my family. I just had to grab his hand and go with him, breaking the chain of addiction.
Cover Photo by Ümit Bulut
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